Page 5 - The Rockaway Times

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Page 5
THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2016
The Rockaway Times
These politicians come and try
to prove how New York they are.
They’re all lame. Consultants,
probably hired through a de Bla-
sio non-profit, are paid gobs of
money to tell their candidates
to fold and eat pizza with their
hands. With pizza, you don’t
use a fork in New York.
What consultants can’t do is
tell them how to be New York
funny. The Daily News took aim
at Ted Cruz because the Grand-
pa Munster–in-the-making had
maligned “New York Values.”
The front page of the tabloid of-
fered directions to the candidate
upon his visit to here last week:
Hey Ted: Take the FU train to the
Bronx.
It’s a pretty good bet The Daily
News headline writers are from
New York. But I wonder if they’ll
be replaced. Cleaned up and
gentrified. Like too much of old
New York. I don’t miss the graf-
fiti or crime of the old days but I
think New York might not be as
funny.
Good thing Rockaway is so far
behind the times. We should be
able to hang on to real New York
long after it’s left the other bor-
oughs. Our collection of kooks
and characters isn’t going any-
where any time soon. And I’m
guessing we’ll keep our humor
too. It’s the only way to manage
our insanity.
Every now and then we get
fooled into thinking Rockaway
is the next hot spot because Wil-
liamsburg shows up. But the
thing is, hipsters are like mi-
gratory birds. They flock here
in the summer and after Labor
Day they return to cooler places
along the L train line. It’s just a
summer fling.
There’s hardly any evidence
they were here at all.
Rockaway goes back to being
Rockaway. Rockaway fads are
another place’s nostalgia. Any
day nowcrocs are gonna replace
flip flops and Beanie Babies will
be the hot item at Rogoff’s.
Gentrification, schmentrifica-
tion.
There’s a lot to be said about
these intrepid kids from Kansas
and Iowa who move into high
crime areas and help places
turn around. They move in and
a coffee shop follows. And then
a restaurant and a bike shop.
But they’re like aliens from
outer Disney World. They come
in peace but not equipped.
They speak English but they
don’t speak New York.
Some people don’t like gen-
trification because, they say, it
displaces poor people. Maybe,
but it’s hard to argue that classic
street characters and humor are
being displaced, too.
Maybe they exist but I don’t
think anyone funny ever came
from Kansas or Iowa or the en-
tire Midwest if you subtract Chi-
cago. I’m pretty sure people
who are gentrifying neighbor-
hoods likeThe Big BangTheory.
I don’t know if you get this in
other places but when a rather
largewoman tries cutting amov-
ie line and a guy in a thick Brook-
lyn accent says, “Hey, Queen
Latifah there’s a line here.” You
know in you’re in New York.
I forget where I heard this one
but it kinda captures New York
as well as anything I’ve heard.
The guy says, you know how we
sometimes greet people with,
“How ya doin’?” You might
step on an elevator and nod at
the guy and say “How ya doin?”
Youmight even say it as you pass
someone on the street. But I’m
standing on a checkout line and
look at the guy behind me for
like a second. So I say, “How
you doin?”The guy gives me this
look and says, “What, are youmy
doctor?”
The guy who tells the story
adds: Pretty rude, huh? But fun-
ny as hell.
You’re not getting that in Kan-
sas. Youmight not hear it inNew
York much longer. But in Rocka-
way, wiseasses still rule.
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