It was like I busted out of the Rockaway State Penitentiary and hurried cross country as if bloodhounds were after me. I did both diddly-squat and doodly-squat this whole pandemic so when I finally saw an opening, I hit the road. I kept looking over my shoulder like I was being trailed, that I’d be called back, forced back to Rockaway.

Now, normally, I wouldn’t say anything about being forced back here but even Paradise can get a little old without a little change. Just ask Adam and Eve. They liked Paradise, they just wanted to mix things up a little bit.

I get it, you can’t get much better than Rockaway in September because the crowds are gone, and the weather is usually the best of the year. But this September? I was sick of seeing

Time for an oil change. 4,816 miles in the books. And, of course, the last 11 miles were the hardest. From wide open highways to the parking lot of the Belt Parkway. Nothing says Welcome home! more than stop and crawl on the Belt.

We hit enough stops for a Johnny Cash song: Elmira, Toledo, Frankenmuth, Mackinaw, Mackinac, Marquette, Minneapolis, we’ve been everywhere, man.

Fargo, Bismarck, Rapid City, Rushmore, Badlands, Custer State, Sioux Falls and ….Warren Buffet’s house.

Malvern, Iowa

Bismarck, North Dakota (RT) – September 21.

I always wanted to write a dateline. Like a real reporter. I guess I didn’t have to drive 2,000 miles to do it, but I never thought of it before.

When you drive 2,000 miles, you can think of a lot of things. Like how families don’t do drive vacations much anymore. They drive three or four hours, tops, to a single destination (Lake George or Windham) otherwise it’s all aboard the 747.

In the old days, kids would be jammed in the station wagon, and

I hope you know a Rudy.

You know, there's a gift some people possess, no matter how often they share it. I mean, you can share money and things until you’re broke. But some people, share endlessly and they never run out of that thing, that thing that just makes others feel better.

You can’t put your finger on it but when you see them, you just feel better. I don’t know if there’s a better thing a human can possess.

Some people have an on/off switch and can light up a room and it’s a gift

Malvern, Iowa (RT) – September 26, 2021

I’m Cousin Vinny. I blend. I friggin’ blend.

There I was, sitting in a café in Malvern, Iowa, population 1,015, chatting with a guy biking his way through endless cornfields. An old timer gets up from another table to say hello to me because he thinks I’m a farmer.

I bend over backwards not to be a rude New Yorker, but I couldn’t help but laugh. He didn’t seem to mind because he asked again, you work a couple of farms? He nodded his head to indicate

Counting, schmounting.  It’s so overrated.  Counting calories stops as soon as the weekend gets here. Counting steps lasts until the battery dies. Counting beers? I say stop counting at one and proceed ahead.

And don’t even start counting hot dogs. Did you see the news that eating one hot dog can cut your life short by 36 minutes? Yeah, some party poopers did a study about the murderous effects of wieners. And the nerve–they wait til the end of summer to drop that number on you. Man, I’m down

I know it’s impossorous, but if I were king of the forest, it would only rain from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m.

If I were king of the forest, I’d allow cruel and unusual punishment for graffiti taggers. I’d thrash them from top to bottomus.

I’d banish bagel people who don’t separate Everything and Onion bagels from other bagels; I’d cane people who use an airplane toilet more than once a flight. Yeah, even on international flights. That’s what kings do.

I’d behead speeding car drivers (usually they come

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