Far Out

Boyleing Points

I have a stupid idea I want to share. So don’t tell me it’s stupid, I just told you it was stupid.

You know what far is? It’s far. And in most cases, it’s not a good thing.  It’s a simple word but it’s loaded. I mean even when it’s used in a positive way it carries the hint of possible doom.  So far, so good. To those of us who see the glass nine-tenths empty, the phrase “so far so good” is not complete unless you add “but.”

As in, so far so good, but anything can happen. So far so good, but not for long.

Far is a little word that often makes people groan or sigh or say “but.” 

You tell someone you want to go to Australia or Tahiti and what do they say? Me, too but it’s so faaaaaar.

Far left or far right in politics means the fringe. In either case, far is used to define somebody way out there. 

You know what they say, there was nothing wrong with the bridge but it was a bridge too far.

By now, you might be asking how far am I going with this. See? You’ve got negative thoughts. 

Ok, so here’s the far out idea:  change the name of Far Rockaway.

It should be like Greenland. You know the story about Iceland and Greenland. They named it Iceland because it was paradise and they didn’t want too many people coming to ruin it. They named it Greenland because it had nothing but ice and they were hoping to attract people to move there. It was Viking Marketing 101.

Far Rockaway is like Greenland, if they named it Iceland. Far Rockaway is too damn literal. Jeez, if the originals used just a little imagination they would’ve called it Near Rockaway. 

This isn’t some real estate or gentrification scam. It’s really meant to improve the mental health of people living there or heading there. If you commute home to Far Rockaway you have to go far every day. Who wants to go far every day?

Newscasters and credit card companies and the generally clueless refer to Belle Harbor, Rockaway Park and Rockaway Beach as Far Rockaway because the post office has the whole peninsula designated so. It drives some people just a little insane. Me among them.

Other places have changed names. Sleepy Hollow sounds quaint and maybe a little fancy.  Not long ago it was just North Tarrytown. The town got an economic boost with the name change. Far Rockaway could use a boost.

Far Rockaway should really be called East Rockaway but that’s already taken by a town, which could use a name change, too.

Dish, Texas used to be Clark, Texas but the satellite TV company, DISH, convinced residents to change the name. They got free TV service for 10 years.

I’m not saying Far Rockaway should change its name to the highest bidder but let’s hear some offers. “This is Eyewitness News reporting from Google, Queens.” 

Some people have tried to improve their real estate holdings by calling one neck of Far Rock, “West Lawrence.” It’s a pretty weak attempt to be associated with the affluent and neighboring Five Towns (one of which is Lawrence). And besides, Lawrence is in Nassau County.

Downtown Rockaway ain’t bad. “Reporting from Downtown Rockaway…” “I’m moving to Downtown.” Or call it Pleasantville, or Summerfield, or Happy Rock or whatever. Just don’t call it far.

Maybe this isn’t a stupid idea. Maybe it makes too much sense — but in Rockaway that makes something too farfetched.

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