Baby Talk

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I spend my life wishing I’d said that. Somebody says something funny and I don’t have time to laugh —I’m too busy turning green with envy.

I don’t wish I had invented the walkie-talkie but I do wish I were  the person who wondered aloud:  what if the person who named the walkie-talkie named other things, like stamps. A stamp would be called licky-sticky.

Licky-sticky! Ingenious. And ridiculous sounding. But on the scale of the absurd, I’d say no worse than walkie-talkie —a name we all say with a straight face. 

There’s a matter of debate on who invented the whole two-way radio system. Some guy in the late 1930s developed the prototype but the company, Motorola, claims they had the first walkie-talkie. Motorola first called the thing a Handie-Talkie. 

What the hell? What’s with the talkie thing? I guess some dad or uncle must’ve been in charge of marketing and was spending his off days trying to communicate with a baby. Here’s your blankie, now please go to sleepy. Please don’t do poopy. Have a little sippie.

I mean, some genius engineer who figures out how to use radio waves hands over his invention and some guy in marketing calls it a Handie-Talkie. And some other clever guy who’s been home with an infant, says rhyming is better. You know, like one, two, buckle my shoe. 

This thing will be huge at Christmas so we have to appeal to kids. You can walk with this two-radio and you can talk. Hmmm….someone says, walk-talk sounds too much like Chinese take-out. Talkie is catchy. But handie, not so much. Let’s drop handie and rhyme! Babies love rhymes. It might be dorky but let’s go with walkie-talkie!

I imagine the inventor buried his face in his hands and spent his life denying he had anything to do with naming the damn thing.

Sure, I wish I was the guy who invented the light bulb or the Snuggie but I can’t hammer a nail without an ambulance standing by, let alone invent something. But dammit, I should be able to blurt out something fun like: what if the person who named the walkie-talkie named other things?

Someone named Antonia Nicole asked the question and offered a few of her own including the licky-sticky. She said a fork would be a stabby-grabby and a defibrillator would be a hearty-starty. A pregnancy test would be a Maybe-Baby and a nightmare would be a screamie-dreamie.

She posted this online and the internet ran with it. Pajamas were called ready-beddy and a firefighter would have been called a flamie-tamie. I wonder if the Rockaway dream (lifeguard then firefighter) would be so appealing if it was lifeguard then flamie-tamie.

A lifejacket could easily have been boatie-floatie. And a thong would be a peekie-cheekie.

If the walkie-talkie guy was in charge of birds, someone said, a parrot would have been a wordy-birdy. And halitosis would have been called deathy-breathy.

They are all ridiculous!  But 10-4, roger that, and copy — 100 percent no worse than walkie-talkie. 

Man, I need a beer or a fizzy- dizzy.

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