Lettuce Be Careful

Boyleing Points

It looked like an old-style bank run this week when people stormed donut shops and bakeries. “What are you going to do? You just can’t starve,” a man, with a ring of sugar around his lips, said to me. He held his bag of donuts and muffins open, offering me whatever caloric time bomb I wanted. “One of them is banana. Bananas are good for you. Here, take one, have something good.”

“It’s like a diet dispensation,” a woman chimed in. “If the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) tells you not to eat something, it’s only fair you look for alternatives.” She held up a bran muffin and basically sneered at me, “Fiber.” I didn’t mean to look at the other items that filled her see-through bag but the blueberry muffins, the size of pillows, were hard to avoid.

I kept a blank face but she seemed intent on burning up calories by getting annoyed and jumping up and down. “It’s about the ORAC score.” I think she added, “you idiot,” but I was distracted by a small group of people laughing about cheating and how it was good that it happened on a Friday. Somebody said, “Wrap this.” And it cracked everyone up. I was confused.

The blueberry muffin lady continued about ORAC and oxygen radical absorption and brain and heart health and daily fiber needs. She finally waved her hand at me and walked away.

The Stop and Shop bakery displays were getting refilled. I’m getting in on this. If I could improve my ORAC score with blueberry muffins, I’d grab three. Probably eat one before getting to the self-checkout line.

Just when I was about to commit to the new health fad, I caught the calorie notice card—who the hell’s idea was this?—under the muffins. A raisin bran muffin, the king of fiber, had more calories than a double chocolate chip muffin.  Seriously. What the?

A couple in matching yoga suits grabbed some cranberry muffins. They caught me looking. “Smoothies,” the guy said.  “Can’t do green this week.”       

“The only smoothie I’m having this weekend is a strawberry daiquiri,” someone said behind me. “Vitamin C.”

Things were too weird so I got out of there without any health food. 

I went to Beach 116th and nodded at the guy behind the counter and ordered a BLT. His eyes bulged. “You crazy, man?

“You didn’t see the news?”

I’m thinking, if it’s not in The Rockaway Times, no.

“Lettuce. You can have a BT but not a BLT.”

I saw a guy in a HAZMAT suit walk past carrying a head of lettuce.

“They outlawed lettuce. You can’t be eating that green sh*t,” counter guy said. “E-coli ain’t good for you.”

I called the CDC and they confirmed the advisory about avoiding lettuce for the time being. They said Oreos and double chocolate chip muffins were safe. I told the counter guy to make me a smoothie.

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