Riding Like The Wind

Boyleing Points

Being a trendsetter means you’ve got to be ready to be laughed at and ridiculed. I’ve gone out on a limb or two and taken my fair share of abuse. They laughed at me when I touted the glory and hipness of day drinking. Most of those people are now asking me to start parties earlier. And I was an early cheerleader for the colonoscopy movement. They laughed then.  Now they’re asking me for the night-before prep tips. Speaking of which…

There’s some new do-it-at-home test called Cologuard. TV commercials feature some little cartoon guy talking about collecting your own stool sample and then shipping it to a lab. First time I saw the commercial I thought he said, “just shit me to the lab.” I was not alone in how I heard this. I googled and many others were confused by this poop in the mail message.

Keeping with the theme, it’s like the misheard lyric in the song, "Bad Moon Rising." "There's a bad moon on the rise" was heard by many as “There’s a bathroom on the right.”

Keeping with the bathroom theme (still), I know, one day, I’ll be hailed as the father of the bidet. I told readers it was life-changing. The trend is coming to every bathroom on the right.

And so you’re dying to know what’s next, right? And you’re just hoping I stay away from bodily functions. The next big thing? The electric bike. Or more specifically, the electric-assist bike. It’s the cure for the Rockaway wind. 

Yes, some people see me and think I’m on my way to drop off some Chinese food and others scoff how I’m just a cheating fool, getting no exercise. Others haven’t caught on yet and when they see me fly past, wind against me, they just think I’m an animal. 

Anyway, it’s true, I do have a basket so I can make deliveries, but I do actually pedal. I just get a little help from a battery. As they say, what good’s a flashlight without a battery? I say the same thing about bikes.

Wind? What wind? Those boardwalk ramps? Piece of cake. Do it, you’ll be hip. You might not get exercise but you’ll get fresh air. Oh, and treat yourself to a cushy Cloud 9 seat. Life-changing! A bidet and an electric bike with a big seat? I better change the subject. 

**So, I got a note in the mail about my separate checks column a couple weeks ago. It came by snail mail and was unsigned. The writer said a bunch of golfers ordering separate checks had to be retired FDNY guys. Gotta admit, I chuckled.  But I’ve been wondering if it was written by a retired FDNY guy. My guess is yes.

**My don’t-invite-us to leave Rockaway in the summer column got two reactions.  Somebody said, enough already, you’re just, mailing it in. Stop repeating yourself. Someone else said it was the best one yet. Oh, and somebody else said I should tell people about “Gil Hodges Disease,” meaning you can’t go over the bridge without getting sick.

**Happy Fourth of July! Though they should really outlaw it being on a Wednesday.       

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