Dark Side of The Moon

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Sheesh, I write a happy-thanksgiving-to-all column and some people took it to mean I was gonna be Mr. Happy and Peppy (and bursting love). There’s not much to be happy about when it turns dark around 1 o’clock. 

I hope I don’t win Powerball during this time of year. I’d be such a buzzkill. You won $650 million! And they’d present me with that huge check and I would be like, yeah, but it’s gonna be dark right after lunch. Sucks.

The only thing that makes me happy is knowing there are so many people in the same bummed-out camp. That whole SAD thing? Seasonal Affective  Disorder? I’m a believer. And it’s easy to spot the afflicted. You make eye contact and in an instant you know if you’ve spotted a sad sack soulmate. Or worse.

Which reminds me how warped most of us are. Not only do we get bummed out because the sun is just a daily blip but we get cheered up by TV killers. There’s a reason they don’t do crime dramas and serious stuff in the summer. Nobody wants to be a serial killer in the summer. But in the winter, a lot of us identify with the criminally insane.

Guys want to be Ray Donovan; ladies, too.

Netflix and Amazon Prime series are popular because they offer dark stuff in the dark months. Network TV has upbeat commercials and shows with happy endings. Who needs that crap?

If you watched The Sopranos, you must’ve liked Tony who personally killed eight people and ordered the deaths of plenty more. Did you see The Wire? The most popular characters were essentially murdering, thieving drug dealers. Vikings, just starting a new season, has some very charming and delightful characters, both men and women, who also happen to chop off heads and gut others like we might park a car. 

I haven’t yet tried Game of Thrones but I get the sense it’s filled with murderous characters who happen to be the most popular. Lots of people must’ve liked Dexter. The eponymous show ran for eight seasons. He only killed 135 people.

Imagine if we had friends like our favorite TV characters. Oh, that guy John, what a great guy. Yeah, he robbed a bank and shot an old lady but he’s so….he’s so funny! 

You get to introduce your buddy to others: Hey, everybody I want you to meet Frank. He’s only killed a couple of people, ran a brilliant scam, will stab you in the back, but he loves puppies.

You’re supposed to go out with another couple for dinner but your wife says, Doreen and Joe are gonna be late. Joe’s gotta shoot a couple of drug dealers on the way. And he might stop off and hold up a Brink's truck. That’s cool. Love when he does that.

We’re twisted. We watch Narcos and we kinda root for Pablo Escobar. What’s that about? It’s gotta be the lack of sunlight.

I know I’m speaking for the normal, sane people who are rightly miserable because we live on the dark side of the moon. We know you don’t turn your back on a person who’s just too happy this time of year.

The winter’s coming, darkness is here. Whatever I do, I’m a good guy otherwise.

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