AGE IS JUST A NUMBER

Boyleing Points
Typography

A 12-year-old walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Kid, what are you doing?”

The 12-year-old says, “Tough day. Give me a shot of Jameson.” The bartender can’t believe it. The kid adds, “And leave the bottle.”

“Beat it, kid.”

“Why? I’m 27.”

“Yeah, and I’m a 6’8” Pygmy,” the bartender says.

The kid starts moaning about how he just bombed a test, hates his gym teacher and has all these chores at home. “Man, it’s rough. I feel like I’m 27, maybe 28.” The kid shakes his head, “Dog years, man, I’m talking dog years.”

The bartender motions with his thumb, outta here.

The kid ignores this and climbs onto the barstool. He says his grandfather runs marathons and always says, “Age is just a number. Make it a double.”

Now the bartender starts getting a kick out of the kid, the nerve of him. But halfway through a chuckle, the door swings open and three 10-year-olds walk in, chests out like they’re big guys, allowed to be in a bar.

The bartender mutters “What the f---”

The kids are here for a couple of pints and to discuss the class action suit they’re part of.

One kid says he’s a 50-year-old man. “I got it made. I sit on the couch, drink beer, yell at the TV. That’s me.” One of the other kids says he feels like he’s 21 and just wants to drive for Belle Rock. He’s not gonna let them get away with it, saying he was just 10. “Gonna sue their asses.” He looks at the bartender. “You got a spittoon?”

“And what about you?” The bartender says, looking at the third kid.

“I saw the Beatles at Shea Stadium.”

The bartender slaps the bar and laughs. “No, you didn’t.”

The kid says with a straight face. “I believe I was there.”

You probably heard about the 69-year-old Dutch guy who went to court to change his age to 49 because he “identifies” as a 49-year-old. Yep, because he felt like a much younger man, he wanted to make it official. The court turned him down. And that’s such bull.

Like grandpa says, age is just a number. We can change our name and our gender but not our age? That’s some serious ageism right there.

From what I hear, people change their age on Match.com and other dating sites all the time. They put up their high school prom photo when an AARP ID photo would be more accurate. But maybe they feel just young. Maybe they’re still identifying as the disco kings and queens they used to be.

I suspect big business is behind the court’s ruling. You wouldn’t need Botox, hair dye, or Viagra. You just declare yourself younger and you’re good to go.

Work would be so much easier at Nicole Frontera Beauty and Spa Rockaway. They could just hand out certificates. You’re twenty years younger. Boom. It’d be like the Scarecrow getting his degree from The Wizard of Oz.

Until the courts get this right, there’s gonna be a rampant black market. All those baby boomers who went to 42nd Street for fake IDs and draft cards will be going back there now. I saw a guy who had to be 80 go up some dank stairwell and came out a few minutes later and showed me an ID that said he was 25. “Where’d all the peep shows go? I’m young again, know what I mean?” 

Back in Rockaway, I heard there was a breakout at an old age home with some octogenarians running after a Mister Softee truck. Meanwhile,  the young see the upside of age fluidity. Over at the Sheepshead movie theater, kids were identifying as seniors to get the Seniors Discount.

It’s a wacky world; keep your eye on the courts. That Dutch guy is only the first. People are going to want to change their age for all sorts of reasons.

I’m not going to court yet but I’m testing it out. At dinner the other night, the waitress greeted us and asked if we’d like something from the bar. “Just the kids’ menu.”

She said ok. This could be good.

But kids be careful. You don’t want to be an old white guy, we get blamed for everything.

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