Bad Sign Language

Boyleing Points

So, I moved into the right lane then swerved into the left, swerved back to the right, swerved again and then jerked the wheel to get back in the left lane. And then waited for a bike rider to pass so I could make a right turn from the left lane. I should have gotten a Driving Under the Influence but I was stone cold sober. I should have been pulled over for reckless driving, at least, but I had a fool-proof excuse: I was just following the driving lanes in Rockaway.

There’s some thing, an island? A something-or-other that is near the median at Beach 105th Street and it just causes driver after driver – believe me, you can read their lips – saying, what in the hell is that? There’s another one at Beach 102nd and RBB. Me, being the dogged journalist that I am, asked the Department of Transportation spokesperson. She said, I’ll get back to you.

Really. She had no clue.

Sometime later, another DOT person, who must do comedy on the side, said, they are “painted median tip extensions” and “used as a traffic calming tool for turning vehicles.”

Calming?  I got my first laugh of the week.

Bus that-never-come lanes are now all over the place and white lines that give me geometry class flashbacks are splattered everywhere.

Now, I’ve been biking since before it was cool and before fat guys tried to be sausages. What is it that makes a guy (or woman) want to dress as if they’re actually in the Tour de France?  Bike shorts, I’ll give you. But the tops? Stop. You are not Lance Armstrong; you are the Michelin Man. 

I’m just glad basketball players in the park aren’t doing this. Yeah, imagine, guys getting in full Los Angeles Lakers or New York Knicks uniforms. God forbid.

But where was I?  Oh, biking. Yeah, I’ve been biking forever. And a bike lane here or there is fine but some are insane and just meant to screw things up. Why is there a bike lane on Rockaway Beach Boulevard from Beach 116th to Beach 108th? There’s a friggin’ boardwalk one block south. 

And how about those bike lanes that hug the curb so that parked cars are now in the middle of the street?  It’s just as bad in Brooklyn. You see cars in the middle of the street, what do you do? You get in line because you figure they’re just waiting for a light to change. Of course, if you need to parallel park into one of those spaces, you will cause all traffic behind you to stop. Or others will have to swing into oncoming traffic.

It’s nuts and I want to scream but I’ll just type really hard. I mean, it used to take 12 minutes to drive from Beach 116th to Far Rockaway. Now you need to stay at the La Quinta on the way.

The people in charge of traffic clearly do not drive or they’re aiming to drive us insane. I get it, they’re hoping to get people out of their cars and onto public transportation. As if that’s an option. They’re making driving liking smoking, something socially dubious. You drive? Eeew.

This is effin crazy. I’m going back to Beach 105th and sit near that calming thing. But I’m gonna walk there.

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