Dog Dirt

Boyleing Points
Typography

Dog Dirt gave dirt a bad rep. Dog shit, dog crap, I got. What the hell was dog dirt?  See, even in the old days there was some politically correct ways of saying things. You’d be going out to play and your mother or some adult would say, “Watch out for the dog dirt.” You didn’t know what that was until you played football in a grass field covered with leaves. You’d learn the hard way.

That’s the problem with a lot of PC language; it’s confusing. Dog dirt? I think Dog Deuce would’ve been so much better.

Anyway, I was minding my own business (which is not to imply that I was doing my business). Wait, I think that was another old expression, the dog was doing his business as in the “Rover’s out in the back doing his business.” Do dogs still do business?  I don’t know, ‘cause I’m not a dog owner and I’m out of touch with current canine conundrums.

But I did get some insight recently as I tried to enjoy a beer at a local Oktoberfest. I tend to seek out cultivated conversation at parties. So, I was really in my element when I found myself on the listening end of two people discussing the anguish of dog owners and their duty to pick up doody.

They walk their pooches in fear of the pick-up police. Neighbors hiding on porches, peering out windows are ready to bark if poop protocol is not followed.

The dog owners want to be good neighbors. But it’s a dog’s world. One dog owner said his pooch plays games. The dog squats and does nothing else. Fake out. You could hear the dog in a Scooby-Doo voice say, “Psyche.”

But here’s the twisted part. There’s nothing there, yet, the dog owner bends down to act like he’s picking up something just so the neighbors who might’ve been faked out by the dog’s squat don’t yell at him.

Lots of dog owners carry plastic bags as their preferred pick up tool. These are not foolproof. Some dog walkers are unaware, until it’s too late, that said plastic bag escaped from their pocket and flew away, leaving them unarmed. They want to die because there are people around, witnesses ready to pounce. They look around desperately for an alternative. They search every pocket three times hoping they’ll find a spare tissue or scrap of paper. Or even a dollar bill. 

They are horrified and want to look horrified because they want others to know they care. They hope it’s garbage pick-up day so they can raid a can and find something to use.

Hey, I know this anxiety must be real. I had someone ring my bell and demand that I pick up after my dog.  Ok, I said, as soon as I get one.

Anyway, the man’s- best-friend conversation was a magnet and soon I was surrounded by a pack of wild dog owners.

One conscientious Belle Harbor dog-walker admitted to stealing a Rockaway Times off the steps of a neighbor’s house. It so happens, The Rockaway Times is delivered in a clear plastic bag in this area. We’re glad to be of service, I said. And he didn’t miss a beat:   Well, I would’ve saved the plastic bag and just used Boyleing Points if it was in the paper that week.

The Plastic bag plight seems rife with potential problems. Some people re-use the bags they got at Stop And Shop (good recycling!) but sometimes these bags are swiss cheese. The owners pick up the dog deuce and then as they walk along they leave a Hansel and Gretel poop trail. 

And dog owners say once a dog commits, it’s nearly impossible to stop. The pooch doesn’t care if someone’s on the porch. They’re dumping here, now. For the dog owner, it’s a long, torturous process. The dog is dumping in front of somebody’s house and time can’t move fast enough.

The sterling conversation then goes up a notch. Dog owner one says, I’m just praying it’s not diarrhea. What’s a plastic bag gonna do for you then? What do you say to the people on the porch, sorry I’ll be back with a paper towel.

I was still smarting from that Boyleing Points jab so I threw some gasoline on this dumpster fire. I said that dog pee should be picked up, too. Huh?  Yea, you should have to bring pee cups. Tell me the difference between an adult peeing in the street and your dog? People in the future are gonna say, god, they let dogs pee in the street back then? Jeez.

I was joking but then started to think about it. Hmmm…. Dog diapers. They’re gonna be big. Maybe I’ll even get a dog. And I might need a friend after this.

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