Shopper Beware

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You know, it’s all downhill after kindergarten or as I like to say, look at the bright side —there is none.

Have you seen Tiger King on Netflix? You can check out The Lazer’s column in this week’s paper, page 30, for a funny overview. Everybody thinks that woman killed her husband. There really is only one other option, he’s hiding from her.

While I was watching Tiger King and learning to knit and make moonshine, I got a delivery from Peapod, which is now impossible to book. Word on the street, wait, I can’t use that expression, word online is, some food places have stuff but everybody is trying to get things delivered.

I don’t know if that’s accurate. I have not been to the store. For one thing, I heard they’re asking for ID at Stop and Shop to make sure you’re over 60 if you try and shop before 8 a.m. That’s kinda scary. It’s the kind of thing I want to get proofed for. It’ll be a bummer if they look at me and just wave me through.

I drove through just to check out who was checking ID. It was like the old days standing outside a liquor store and asking an adult if they’d buy you a bottle of Tango or Boone’s Farm. There were people in their 50s asking 60-year-olds to borrow their birth certificates or baptismals.

I saw one 50-something guy hand 20 bucks to an 80-year-old. He shouted, “Toilet paper!” The old timer must’ve been hard-of-hearing because he shouted back, “Tomatoes?” 

Failed communication is not limited to parking lots. Just a heads up, set your expectations low, because delivery has its challenges, too. Some hoarder must be disappointed because I did not order any pasta, but my delivery included 12 boxes of ziti and four boxes of bunny pasta. Though maybe it wasn’t meant for a hoarder. These delivery services sometimes do “substituting” and if your order item is not available, they swap it out and send you something similar. I was wondering if they swapped 12 ziti boxes for the 12 rolls of toilet paper I ordered. (I was ordering for a friend).

There’s another service, Instacart. I think the way it works is some guy goes up and down the aisle and shops for you. That’s hit or miss. If you like multi-grain chips and regular chips are easier for him to spot, you’re getting regular. I ordered ice cream cones. My guy brought the cones, but no ice cream.

I’m not complaining. I’m looking at the bright side.

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