Home Alone

Boyleing Points

I’m going full Shawshank Redemption, chiseling a hole in the wall of this upstairs cubicle I’ve been banished to. I’m hiding my little tunnel to freedom with a poster of Raquel Welch. It’s kinda weird having a poster of a woman who’s 81. I mean, she looks good for 81 but….uhm, I guess the bright side, nobody’s gonna steal it.

Yea, you figured it out by now: I got The Rona. I got the sissy kind. Stuffed nose, not much else. Something I wouldn’t have gotten tested for if it didn’t have a name. Doesn’t matter though, I’ve been told to go play Quasimodo in the upstairs belfry. 

Which is such poppycock. I’m triple vaxxed, got O-positive blood, and the only super spreader I attended was waiting on a line to get tested. 

And what do I get for Christmas? A plate of food on the floor outside my door.

Booster, schmooster. From what I remember, three shots of tequila worked better than my three Pfizers. All the shots gave me confidence, but only the shots of tequila gave me confidence that was well founded.

But I’m still a believer. The next time you see me, I’m gonna have super immunity and be able to leap tall buildings and throw deeper BS better than Aaron Rogers. That’s because if you’ve been fully vaxxed and get one of these breakthrough things, you’re invincible. At least that’s what one study says.  And I’m following whatever studies reinforce my bias. I’m gonna be super.

Right now, I’m just super bored. And it ain’t easy living with me. Which I just learned. 

Staring at the walls, talking to myself, complaining aloud to no one. I’m no day at the beach.

And to think isolation is something I once craved. Most days, I’m Greta Garbo and just want to go and hide. A couple of weeks back, I was thinking about faking covid just so I could isolate and not be bothered by anyone. But now that I’ve been forced into it, I can’t wait for the next mosh pit.

Until then, it’s me and Netflix and it’s a shaky relationship. It was rosy when we were dating. Now that we’re together all the time, things get a little strained. In normal times, I would have resisted watching Squid Game. But I’m desperate. So I watch it and I just have one question for fans. Have you ever seen worse acting? Let me know where, I could use the laugh.

And now I’m not sure when this ends. I’m symptom free but I’m not smart enough to understand what the CDC says, no matter how many times I read their rules. If you test positive, you stay home for five days. Ok, what if you still test positive on Day 5? Is the five-day rule from the first time?  So I don’t need any more tests? I just count the first five days and go?

I hope so, because tests are tough to come by. You can’t wait on line if you’re supposed to be home and the in-home tests are the new toilet paper, gone before they settle on the shelf. As far as I know, there’s no bidet alternative.

Hey, I want to limit risk to others. I don’t want to give anyone Covid. Or my cough. Or the flu. Or Chickenpox. But everyone going crazy might be the biggest risk of all.

PS: Happy New Year!

 By Kevin Boyle

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