Pigs And Tight Spaces

Between The Bridges
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Just a quick reminder to all of you out there that the Broad Channel VFW Post 260 will be hosting it's annual "Pig Roast" this Saturday (July 14) from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. Everyone I speak to who intends to attend this porcine gala has been psyched and why shouldn't they be? After all, the same old hot dogs and hamburgers get old after a while, but put on a pig roast and you've got a show! The most often asked question is "Will the pig have an apple in its mouth?" It will not. 

Other queries have ranged from how much the pig weighs, how long it took to cook and what parts are edible. (Answer to the last - almost all of it, including the ears, tongue, snout, and cheeks, known to be particularly succulent.) And here's a little tidbit only for the readers of this column, a little birdie told me that Bruce Fuller will be entertaining all those in attendance with his rendition of "Don't go bacon my heart...I couldn't if I fried..." as the pork is being served! You won't want to miss that as that alone is worth the price of admission! 

So, grab all your meat-loving family members, friends, and neighbors and head on down to Shad Creek Road this Saturday for a veritable sensory overload of pork gone hog wild! And for all you squeamish, sentimental vegetarians out there, be still your racing hearts! The guys and gals at the VFW have made sure all the requisite rabbit food will be available for you - corn, salad, and watermelon, but, c’mon…why bother? It’s $25 for adults, $10 for the youngsters and children 10 and under can sneak in free! All are welcome. Don’t miss it! As always, all proceeds from this affair will go to benefit our veterans. 

A trip to the supermarket is fraught with inconveniences and awkward moments, but I have long considered myself to be a shopping veteran, well-versed in knowing how to navigate the aisles in order to make my shopping experience a bit more palatable. That being said, I recently had the opportunity to visit the Key Food supermarket over in Howard Beach last week and it was quite the adventure. A trip to this supermarket is an out-of-body consumer experience, best attacked alone and with your brain on standby.

There was a line of cars on Cross Bay Boulevard waiting to turn into the driveway leading to the store's small parking lot in the rear of the building. It took me almost 10 minutes to snake down the driveway into the lot, where I discovered that the parking lot was full and parking space only became available when another vehicle actually pulled out and exited the lot. At one point, I actually expected to see a Disney-esque sign stating: "Waiting Time for Available Parking from this point - Approximately 10 minutes!" Alas, parking difficulties were just a harbinger of things to come!

Immediately upon entering the interior of the store, I was taken aback by the fact that almost every aisle and walking space had been seemingly reduced in size in order to accommodate the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. Every turn in the store had to be undertaken slowly and methodically in order to avoid multiple shopping cart collisions and was accompanied by an expectation that I would be greeted with a song by members of the Lollipop Guild as you entered into the new aisle. 

To say the aisle space between shelves was minimal is being overly generous as these aisles are sorely in need of traffic signage denoting shopper transit through each of them as one way only! Halfway down one aisle in question, I noticed a woman turn into the far end of the aisle and start proceeding towards me. We met in the middle, unable to pass each other, whereupon she simply stopped and stared at me sternly stating: "Well?" 

Realizing that the two of us were in flagrant disregard of the long-held axiom of supermarket etiquette, to wit: "If you're standing still, you're in the way!" I decided to back up and out of the aisle in order to allow her to proceed but not before I asked her if she had any idea how long ago it was that Rick Moranis had shrunk this particular supermarket along with his kids. Mind you, the store staff was both helpful and friendly, but by the time I made the checkout line, I felt like Gulliver in the island country of Lilliput and I couldn't get out of the store fast enough.

Broad Channel, why would anyone want to live anywhere else?

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