The Oreo Caper

The Lazer Speaks

I think everyone has seen the movie, "A Few Good Men," the military court drama starring Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson. There are so many great lines in that movie. One of my favorites is: “If Santiago was in no grave danger, then why did he have to be transferred off the base?” It’s what eventually trips up General Jack. But more on the movie later.

As you may have noted, I have been away for a while. I have to tell you that I truly appreciate it when someone comes up and mentions a certain column and how much they liked it. And in the case of my occasional travelogues, say that they are going to go try a walk in NYC.  It’s really wonderful to hear, and I thank you all. But sometimes you need to re-charge the literary batteries, and that is what I have been doing. During this time I have had the opportunity to read some great books, do some consulting work, and concentrate on the band. Despite the rainy weather, I still believe it’s going to be a great summer.

I have to admit too, that I am a big Netflix watcher, and truly enjoy the BBC shows, which are, typically, a series with each episode an hour or longer and with no commercials. What’s happened to American TV? Just too many commercials, infantile plots, and personalities who can’t act. But when I sit down at night with a nice cup of Barry’s tea and the newest series is just starting, I really look forward to dunking an Oreo or two into that tea and enjoying the evening. So it came as a surprise one evening when I realized there were no Oreos in the house!

Now the youngest mermaid just graduated from flipper school and is home, but she is no cabinet raider like her siblings. And I always keep a bag of Oreos around, because given all the clean eating that now goes on in the house, it’s hard to find anything with sugar, salt or chocolate in it! When the chief mermaid and I were first married, the house was filled with goodies and late night TV was filled with The Love Boat, Highway to Heaven, and Magnum PI. I never balked at the cheesy shows, nor was I much of a sweets guy. As the years wore on, I occasionally dipped into the candy now and again. By the time all the “merkids” were out of the house, our home had become an ashram filled with kale, quinoa, and protein shakes.

So where did the Oreos go? Good question, I had my suspicions though. So doing my best Tom Cruise impersonation, I intoned, “Did you order the Code Red on my Oreos!” And the response from the flippered one was, “You’re damn right I did!” I immediately asked the court to read the witness her rights, but it was to no avail. The witness was also the judge and jury in this case, and there was no bringing back those Oreos!

My sympathetic neighbors on hearing of my plight regarding the aforementioned Oreos, agreed to buy extra packages of Oreos and to light an electric candle in their window at night to let me know that the packages had arrived, and that I could sneak out at night, presumably to take the garbage cans out and go across the street and toss down a few (Oreos, that is).

If anything were to happen to me in the future, I hope that someone asks the question, “If Lazer was in no imminent danger, then why did he have to give up the Oreos?” It surely will be the key to the whole case! By the way, nice to be back!

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