The Pattern Maker


Dear Enchantress,

I keep doing the same thing over and over with men. I meet men a lot and go on enough dates. I have interesting conversations, the men are gentlemen, it’s all good. And then, I do something to push them away. It’s SO frustrating! I see this happening so often that I KNOW it’s something I’m doing, it makes me not want to date anymore because I keep getting ghosted. They just disappear! I’m doing all the right things, I’m dressing nice, I work out, my body is good, I go with the flow, I listen when they talk, I don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu, I don’t wear too much perfume, I don’t ramble on about myself, ugh. How can I find out what I’m doing wrong? I know you can’t just tell me, but any help would be appreciated.


Dear Pattern Maker,

Sister. You have shared enough here for me to get a good sense of an issue and it may be so simple to shift this pattern! Yay! SO, it sounds like you are following “The Rules” published in 1995 about how women should date and behave around men. Advice: DO NOT read.

It sounds like you have the case of the “nice.” Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying be nasty, I am saying BE AUTHENTIC. Be you. My question to you is, “are you having fun?” Has dating been pleasurable? (I’m not talking sex.) Have you actually been enjoying your time? Or are you striving for a boyfriend, husband? Do you have an agenda for your date? There’s nothing wrong with that, but having that be your only intention and playing the pretty lamppost, who sits silently, plays by the rules and listens, isn’t the most fun, and not revealing your true self can be eerie to sit and share a meal with, and also a bit.... boring. 

It feels a bit harsh to use the word “boring,” but let’s face it, it seems like you could have also read the article from a 1957 Good Housekeeping magazine on how to be a good wife. My advice? Have fun! Choose an activity to do together, being actively engaged is a more interesting way to connect. Playing question-asking games is a great way to connect and more authentically relate. It draws a man in for sure, to ask him questions about his present thoughts, and answering too! One of my favorites is to play the compliment game. Take turns giving each other compliments and the person receiving must only listen. Let it be ok to be awkward, dating IS awkward!  Another game, “would you rather......” and be silly, or ask real questions. A third game could be, “if I had a magic wand, what would your three wishes be?” Remember to answer as well.

Basically, be light, be playful, connect, be present and most of all, have fun! You drive the energy of the date! I challenge you to have the most fun ever!

Happy Dating!


The Enchantress

Enchantress Shane coaches Awkward Enchanted folk wanting more magic, passion and confidence in their lives.  Check her out at


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