All Good But Not Good

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Dear Enchantress,

 I am stuck, I know a lot of the people you write back to are stuck. I'm afraid to speak up. I am in a loving beautiful relationship, we live together, and everything is "fine," and I am completely bored. We have survived and are surviving quarantine and this pandemic together. We have two dogs and two cats, and all the electronic setup (which seems important). We take turns cooking, cleaning and everything, and I am outrageously bored. And I'm afraid I'm being a brat, like who would break up with a man who is so nice, and kind and easy to get along with. Oh, a big piece is we don't have sex. I don't think of myself of an oversexed person, but it'll be a month and then I kick it in into turbo gear, mainly because I am mad, and I see he would be totally fine in not having sex. And then I would get super mad and I don't want to be mean to him and call him a roommate or a brother, but that's what he feels like. I haven't mentioned any of this to him, I just go along with what we are doing. Ugh, what should I do?

 

Dear Bratty Barbara,

I take a deep breath alongside you. This is indeed a tough moment, and I commend you for reaching out. It feels wrong to give advice here, so rather I will ask questions that hopefully brings you clarity. 1. On a scale of 1-10, how much have you given up totally on this relationship? 2. Do you have a group of trusted women in your life where you feel totally supported, or can be? 3. Can you imagine bringing your dissatisfaction to your boyfriend (in a loving and gentle way?) 4. Do you have exciting interests and hobbies that you can go deep into? Preferably something creative?

Figuring out things by yourself is a disconnection with him to start. What I do recommend (and give yourself permission to be messy) is to bring your feelings to him. Begin by asking when would be a good time to have a conversation, that you have stuff to share that's on your mind. And then give him a couple of specific choices; day and time, bonus points to you for limiting it to 30 minutes. "Hey, there is something weighing on me and it would feel so good if we could talk about it, how is tomorrow around 3 for like 30 minutes?" Depending on his response you may need several options. It's easier for people to hear a request when there are defined parameters.

When you set that begin by sharing "this is really hard for me to share with you, and really important.” I suggest using the above questions to do writing first, then go to him. Be aware to not go to him for this conversation when you are fired up. 

Including him in this figuring out process is the first step towards something different than you are doing now. It's important to use this method as a first step. Pay attention to really staying curious to his responses, from the request to have the conversation, to the conversation itself. Be aware you may not come up with any answers with this first discussion, but you will be "in something" together, and make sure you listen to him with the most open mind you have. I wish you the best of luck sister, no matter the outcome.

Love, The Enchantress

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 By Shane Kulman

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