Global Forming

Boyleing Points
Typography

Back in high school I had some history or global studies teacher who led us to believe he used to work for the CIA or some clandestine arm of the government. It was strange.  He was making about $12,000 a year teaching in a Catholic high school, rather than making a living being a spook or an international man of intrigue.

Of course, he didn’t come right out and say he used to be Maxwell Smart or Jason Bourne, but he dropped some hints. And he was a weird dude to boot. He smiled like a serial killer, so we figured he might’ve been a spy but too crazy for the government to keep.

I think of this curious guy whenever I fill out a form.  Especially those forms where they just ask you to sign and you don’t have time or the money to hire a team of lawyers to figure out what the hell you’re signing.  You rent a car and you just initial things, which is usually not a problem until you have a problem with the car. Then they tell you, that you should have read the fine print.

Build It Back, of course, is the ultimate soul crushing exercise in form-filling.

But even putting that monstrosity aside, there are just too many forms and BS for us to fill out. Forget climate change. The weight of BS Forms will end life on earth.  Forms like FAFSA (college aid baloney forms,) and anything beyond the simple tax form are designed to frustrate you and take years off your life.  Don’t worry about what nursing home your kids are going to send you to - you’ll die before they fill out the forms.

Which brings me back to my teacher, Mr. Spook. These were the days of the Cold War when Putin’s older, mustier predecessor, Leonid Brezhnev ruled the Soviet Union.  For you youngsters too young to remember, just Google huge Russian eyebrows and you’ll find him. The Spy Who Came In To Teach said we would ultimately beat the Soviet Union because it would fall victim to its bureaucracy.  It was the first time I ever heard the word. Bureaucracy. What’s he talking about?

Like everyone else, I found what he meant on my first visit to the DMV.  Fill out this form, go on that line.  No, it’s not that form, you need the other one.  Go on that line over there.  You have a picture ID?  The lady shakes her head when I show my high school ID.  What’s she shaking her head for?  Your license is a picture ID but you can’t get a license if you don’t have a picture ID.  High School ID is no good.  So what do you do?  You go home and bring back a passport, if you have a passport. Or you get on another line at the DMV and hope the clerk won’t be as big a jerk as the last one.

It’s really everyone’s first encounter with the run-around. It’s the first time you’re really at the mercy of morons, institutional morons. They know they have the power to make you wait, to force you on to another line, and they’re not gonna waste the opportunity.

What they don’t tell you at the DMV is things are only gonna get worse. The Buildings Department. Build It Back. The IRS. The Department of Labor. Healthcare and insurance. They are part of the bureaucracy like The Bob spreading and built to destroy us, and you don’t have to be a spy to see the end.

I’d go on but I have to fill out Form 8801 and 6251 for The IRS and try to figure out what minimum alternative income means or if Schedule D is…. Ah, forget it.  Just tell me how much I owe.

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