Bottoms Up

Boyleing Points
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Every year or so I stand on my toilet (because I really don’t know what a soapbox is) and make a public service announcement.  It’s time you or someone you love schedule a colonoscopy.

Most of what follows is from an old column but running it again is part of the annual routine.

For you holdouts, those of you who’ve passed the age of 40, certainly 50, and haven’t had the personal roto-rooter, it’s time. Just do it. It’s plain sensible and you can get in on the joke.

I’d like to use the expression, all kidding aside — but you can’t put all kidding aside. It’s the procedure which makes comedians out of every patient. Gastro docs have heard it all. “Tell my wife you didn’t find my head up there.”

“Now I know how a muppet feels.” “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…” “Captain Kirk, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

If the two doctors I’ve had are representative of the field, they’re among the most affable docs you could find. The first guy I went to in Brooklyn had a phone number of 718-748-SHIT. That’s pretty good marketing – how could you forget that number.

While behind me, so to speak, he discovered a polyp and announced, “We’re engaged.” That meant I’d be seeing him again. But it was a good thing it was caught when it was. This was more than 10 years ago. That one-time polyp got caught and hasn’t been seen since.

Of course, colonoscopies and its weird cousin, the colonic, have become hip since the doctor first landed on my moon. You’ve got Katie Couric, Leo DiCaprio, Gwyneth Paltrow and others extolling the wonders of the colon clean out. And I gotta say, you do feel like a million bucks when it’s all over.

Just don’t make plans the night before.  Even the directions on the nuclear stuff you take says, don’t worry, it will work. Be patient. If you need something from the store, send someone else to get it. Once the purge starts, you are … as the door on the airplane says, occupado. And word to the wise, never trust a cough, sneeze or even a giggle. When the fun starts, just remember it’s for a good cause (and you don’t even have to start a non-profit). You’ll feel like a member of Congress at the State of The Union Address as you will stand and sit about a hundred times.

The next morning, the day of the procedure, is the one time of year people can’t tell me I’m full of crap.

Some doctors give you the choice of remaining awake and watching the exploration on a nearby TV screen. I did it once but it was like watching a movie with a spring coming through the seat. I recommend the deep sleep. There’s less embarrassment if you suddenly get musical, so to speak.

But in any case, just do it.  You might literally prevent colon cancer.  And by the way, compared to the night before, the actual procedure is a walk in the park.  And as soon they’re done and you’re alert, you can make lunch plans. 

Anyway, like anybody who’s got a connection, I’ve got a guy. Not sure where to go or how to start? Email me and I’ll send you my guy’s info. It’s your health. Take care of this and join the club. You’ll be glad you did and you’ll have lots of crappy new jokes.

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