Spout On

Boyleing Points

With shithole so much in the news and this week’s Ask The Doc column about diarrhea, I figured this would be a good week to discuss Europe. Specifically, that thing you find in many European bathrooms, the bidet. It stands alone and looks like a cousin or stepchild of the toilet.

They stand two or three feet next to the customary toilet and there are no instructions nearby. If you’ve found yourself alone in the loo with one, there’s a good chance you’ve asked yourself what is that, or how do you use it? It’s one of those things you’d rather figure out on your own.

By the spouts or upward facing faucet-looking things, you figure that it sprays water. There’s not a toilet seat on this thing, there’s just the rim.  Do you just sit on the rim and turn it on? You don’t want to test it out because you might get shot in the face.  

So you’re puzzled. Are you supposed to use the toilet and then shuffle sideways with your pants at your ankles? As absurd as that sounds — take pause for a visual — I believe the answer is yes!  You shuffle for a bottom shower. 

For men, at least, there’s an expression, the Three S’s. Hint: it’s the steps men take before going out. And it includes showering and shaving. If bidets were a thing here, it’d be the Four S’s because you’d have to include shuffle.

We know some people can’t walk and chew gum. Pause again for a visual. Imagine all the mishaps with pants and panties at the ankles of the uncoordinated shuffling toward the bidet.  Down goes Aunt Martha!

The bidet is one of those things that makes sense in theory but it’s ass backwards, so to speak. You know the British are the same people who have sinks with two faucets, one for hot, one for cold. Instead of figuring out the plumbing so you could have one faucet that allows you to adjust temperature and get warm not just hot, they stick with the old way because, because.  You know, because.

I’m guessing it’s the same with the standalone bidets. They have them because they’ve always had them. And because they’re so ridiculous — but they’re good in theory! — they never found a market in the USA.

But, no butts about it, Boyleing Points — your go-to place for colonoscopy reminders — is here to tell you another American revolution is on the way. The in-toilet bidet. You don’t have one? You don’t know what you’re missing. The American bidet is gonna be like the cell phone.  We’ll be asking how we lived without it. 

The only problem is demonstrating it. It’s tough to make an infomercial about this. It’s one thing to have a guy talking about flex seal but I’m not sure if showing a guy on the throne saying “Ahhhh...” really gets the point across.

Of course, this is a subject I only discuss with close friends so consider yourself in the inner circle. I’m telling ya, — I’m telling ya — there’s a common refrain for those who’ve joined me in the spray revolution: it’s life-changing. Next time you’re sitting down, think about it.

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