There’s nothing worse than coming back from a vacation and finding your work inbox chock-full of emails. In a similar vein, I take a week off from writing, and my mental inbox is bursting at its metaphorical seams with things for me to complain about. That said, there is no better way to get back in the swing of things than breaking out yet another round of Potpourri.
——
There are not too many instances of adult life that bring you back to the feeling of being a student in trouble with your teacher quite like going to the dentist.
Instead of blaming the missing homework on your imaginary dog, at the dentist you find yourself fibbing about your dental hygiene.
“Lots of bleeding from your gums — have you been flossing since the last time I saw you?”
“Yes, I have been doing it every day,” I mumbled as my dentist pulled the classic dental power move of asking a question while never actually removing their hands from my mouth so I can answer it.
I suppose they know whatever you are trying to say is a load of balderdash anyway. The proof is in the bloody gums, as they say.
*****
Remember when stores used to give you plastic bags? Those were the glory days. Gone are the days of our elders regaling us with epic war stories or trials and tribulations of intense economic hardship.
When I’m an elder statesman, I will be entertaining the youthful masses with tales of leaving Stop & Shop with bags that didn’t rip after reaching their maximum capacity at half a pound.
I’ll remind future generations there was a time it didn’t matter if you forgot that weird stack of reusable bags covered in last week’s chicken juices. The store provided such amenities.
We didn’t know just how rich we were in life until it was all taken away from us. Instead of an indestructible free plastic bag, here’s a paper bag that is about as strong as … well, paper!
*****
Thankfully, I don’t know much about weddings, celebrity or otherwise, although I have been a part of a few — including one quite intimately.
I may not be a wedding expert, but my superhuman powers of common sense can identify certain things that don’t really belong on the big day. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, apparently, have a different philosophy.
For example, even little ol’ me knows that raffling off items at your wedding would be pretty tacky, especially if you are rich and the majority of your guests are rich.
It also strikes me as odd to choose Madison Square Garden as your venue. At first glance, it might seem like a good idea — “It’s the Mecca, babe!” — but upon further reflection, asking your one thousand closest friends to come to the center of the busiest city in the world, on July 3, might not be the best plan.
“I just couldn’t resist the views! Those 19,000 empty seats are just perfect!”
But the worst thing that has been reported about these two getting hitched, the thing that I feel is, ironically, not being spoken about nearly enough, is that the two lovebirds reportedly both took 20 minutes apiece to deliver their vows.
O mores! O tempora!
What kind of monster subjects one thousand people to 40 uninterrupted minutes of wedding vows?
Have they never been to a wedding themselves?
If I were present, there would have only been one proper course of action as we entered the thirtieth minute.
“I object!” I would have shouted from the third or fourth row (I presume).
“Excuse me, sir,” Adam Sandler would say sternly, “this isn’t even the right time for th—”
“… to how obscenely long these vows are taking. Goodbye.”
Listen, in the end, it was their big day. To each their own. Whatever floats your boat. Just goes to show I stand by my decision to decline the invitation.
*****
Boy, it sure feels good to get all that off my chest.
Until next week, Dear Reader.
