ALARMED AND ANNOYED
A couple of weeks back I wrote about people who need to fill the air with sound. They just talk and talk and yak and yak. I’ve noticed some people I know have grown weirdly silent since that column appeared. These paranoid friends and family must think I was writing about them. I wasn’t but I’m not gonna let them know.
I’ve blabbered occasionally. Especially on occasions when elbow bending has occurred. I was eloquent to no one except me.
But I think I can be cut some slack because when I’ve got nothing to say I hide in my room and don’t write a column. Or I fess up and admit I’ve got nothing. And this is one of those weeks. I’ve got nothing. Nothing except jet lag, I guess. Which is a lot better than the thing I caught last time I went to the Sunshine State. On that trip, I ate a trunk of peanuts and got some infection that I think starts with the letter “e.” It was hard to say when I had it and impossible to say now.
Anyway, on this trip I just came home alarmed and annoyed. A couple of years back Florida made some headlines because STDs were breaking out in retirement communities. Viagra shops were like nail salons in Rockaway and every night was Saturday night. The snowbirds were snow rabbits and everybody was on the prowl.
But now the senior escapades extend beyond the Fast Times at Century Village. Many seniors have gone full frontal teenager. And the rest of us better take cover.
You might want to talk Isis and other dangers but in Florida you have to watch out for seniors who are driving and texting! Yes, texting. And some of them have phones the size of oak tag. They’ve got George Burns glasses or Jackie O shades and they rest their phones on the dashboard as they text and drive.
It seems a lot of Florida nonagenarians suffer from FOMO which is a sickness usually associated with young people (and easier to remember than my stomach ailment). FOMO is the Fear Of Missing Out. The big party. The road trip. The concert. All those events that people are going to be talking about forever. If you have a great fear that you’ll miss out on the greatest thing ever, you suffer from FOMO. Of course, it gets ridiculous and some people have FOMO all the time. They have FOMO over non-events. They live in fear something will happen, somebody will say something, and they won’t be there.
Florida seniors must have FOMO. What else could explain seniors texting while driving? Where’s the best blue plate special? Half off at Denny’s til 5 pm!
Crazy. You might shout at them to stop texting but they’ll just give you the finger. In Florida, seniors are the new teenagers.
I was relieved when I got to the airport, safely off the Florida roads. But my panic just turned to general annoyance. We were sitting in the waiting area and this guy is wearing those hands-free phone headsets and he’s got to conduct business so everyone can hear his conversation. He’s using all this garbage business lingo. “We’ve got to be customer-focused and think outside the box and list our action items.”
Slowly I turn. Does he have a friggin clue? He’s got no phone, just a couple of wires in his ears so it looks and sounds like he’s talking to the crowd. He’s impossible to tune out. I want to rip the wires off his head and make him play in Florida traffic. Seniors, texting, coming at him in every direction.
I’ve got nothing to write. I’m too alarmed and annoyed.