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New York Yucks

These politicians come and try to prove how New York they are.  They’re all lame.  Consultants, probably hired through a de Blasio non-profit, are paid gobs of money to tell their candidates to fold and eat pizza with their hands.  With pizza, you don’t use a fork in New York.  

What consultants can’t do is tell them how to be New York funny.  The Daily News took aim at Ted Cruz because the Grandpa Munster–in-the-making had maligned “New York Values.”  The front page of the tabloid offered directions to the candidate upon his visit to here last week:  Hey Ted: Take the FU train to the Bronx.

It’s a pretty good bet The Daily News headline writers are from New York.  But I wonder if they’ll be replaced.  Cleaned up and gentrified.  Like too much of old New York.  I don’t miss the graffiti or crime of the old days but I think New York might not be as funny.

Good thing Rockaway is so far behind the times.  We should be able to hang on to real New York long after it’s left the other boroughs.  Our collection of kooks and characters isn’t going anywhere any time soon. And I’m guessing we’ll keep our humor too.  It’s the only way to manage our insanity. 

Every now and then we get fooled into thinking Rockaway is the next hot spot because Williamsburg shows up.  But the thing is, hipsters are like migratory birds.  They flock here in the summer and after Labor Day they return to cooler places along the L train line.  It’s just a summer fling.

There’s hardly any evidence they were here at all. 

Rockaway goes back to being Rockaway.  Rockaway fads are another place’s nostalgia.  Any day now crocs are gonna replace flip flops and Beanie Babies will be the hot item at Rogoff’s.

Gentrification, schmentrification.

There’s a lot to be said about these intrepid kids from Kansas and Iowa who move into high crime areas and help places turn around.  They move in and a coffee shop follows.  And then a restaurant and a bike shop.

But they’re like aliens from outer Disney World.  They come in peace but not equipped.  They speak English but they don’t speak New York. 

Some people don’t like gentrification because, they say, it displaces poor people. Maybe, but it’s hard to argue that classic street characters and humor are being displaced, too. 

Maybe they exist but I don’t think anyone funny ever came from Kansas or Iowa or the entire Midwest if you subtract Chicago.  I’m pretty sure people who are gentrifying neighborhoods like The Big Bang Theory.

I don’t know if you get this in other places but when a rather large woman tries cutting a movie line and a guy in a thick Brooklyn accent says, “Hey, Queen Latifah there’s a line here.”  You know in you’re in New York.

I forget where I heard this one but it kinda captures New York as well as anything I’ve heard. The guy says, you know how we sometimes greet people with, “How ya doin’?”  You might step on an elevator and nod at the guy and say “How ya doin?”  You might even say it as you pass someone on the street. But I’m standing on a checkout line and look at the guy behind me for like a second.  So I say, “How you doin?” The guy gives me this look and says, “What, are you my doctor?”

The guy who tells the story adds:  Pretty rude, huh?  But funny as hell.

You’re not getting that in Kansas.  You might not hear it in New York much longer.  But in Rockaway, wiseasses still rule.

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