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Only a few more days until the big fat man with the long white beard makes his appearance in each of our homes during the wee hours of December 25. I am referring, of course, to Santa Claus and his annual visit to all good little girls and boys early on Christmas morning. I am particularly looking forward to the big guy’s visit this year as I have been working overtime to welcome him to West 12th Road in the most politically incorrect fashion possible. 

The first thing Santa will see after he emerges from his trip down our chimney is my own little “Elf on the Shelf” who I have named “Snoopy.” For those of you who have not read the book, every night “Snoopy” flies back to the North Pole to give Santa the day’s lowdown on who’s been naughty and who’s been nice in the Mahon household. The next morning, the elf is perched in a new spot that your child has to look for–it’s basically a mash-up of an Advent calendar countdown and a game of Hide ‘n Seek. 

I love the fact that liberals hate the “Elf on a Shelf” popular book and doll set, as they have convinced themselves that this tradition indoctrinates children into accepting surveillance as a normal fact of life, ensuring that future restrictions on their privacy might be more easily accepted. Personally, I am not worried about this at all, as I simply tell Alexa every night not to allow “Snoopy” out of the house!

The next thing that Santa will probably notice are the voices of Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone singing their rendition of “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” the lyrics of which have turned into a hot potato for broadcasters, some of which have yanked the popular song on the grounds that the lyrics are predatory toward women. Today, the world we now live in is extra-sensitive, populated as it is with easily melted (offended) snowflakes, who complain that this song has absolutely no place in their safe-space world.

On my flat screen TV, hung on the wall with care, I have the sound muted as my all-time favorite Christmas movie, Bruce Willis’ (1998) “Die Hard,” plays in the background! Although the film is quite entertaining, some snowflakes argue that the film’s stereotypes are both dated and offensive. The cold war film takes full advantage of German stereotypes with its gigantic creepy Aryan villains.

After spending a few minutes listening to the velvet and gravel voices of Zooey and Leon, while watching Big Bruce mow down the terrorists, Santa’s attention will inevitably be drawn to our Christmas tree, which I have liberally decorated (pun intended) with those offensive Christian icons of the holiday season, red and white striped candy canes. And why, pray tell, (again pun intended) are these sugary dentist delights offensive? Because, according to our social justice warriors out there, historically, the candy cane’s shape is ‘J’ for Jesus and then to make matters worse, the red stripe is the blood of Christ, and the white stripe is a symbol of his resurrection. As far as the snowflakes are concerned, when the stone rolled away from the cave’s entrance and Jesus walked outside from his tomb, it meant nothing, as they are quick to point out, there were no tweets or YouTube videos to support it!

After Santa finishes his work at the house and gets ready to fly away, he will be greeted with the visages of two of my other favorite Christmas characters, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Charlie Brown. In case you didn’t know, the miserablists among us have deemed the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer as a parable on racism and homophobia with Santa as an exploitive employer. Santa’s (toy shop) operation is an HR nightmare and in serious need of diversity and inclusion training. There is also Rudolph’s father, Donner, who verbally abuses him, forcing him to wear a fake nose to cover his glowing schnoz. Rudolph’s pals call him names, and his coach ices him, telling the others that old Red Nose can’t join in the reindeer games. The show bristles with bigotry, too, in Rudolph’s friendship with the doe, Clarice. Clarice’s father, a nose-ist, breaks them up saying, “No doe of mine is going to be seen with a red-nosed reindeer.” Sexism is so blatant, it may require more delicate viewers to seek counseling. After Rudolph runs away with an elf, Donner leaves to search for them. He tells his wife she can’t come because “This is man’s work.”

Rudolph is bad enough, but “Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special” is a horse of a different color. It clearly violates the modern standards for inclusivity. There is mockery of mental health issues (Lucy’s fake psychiatric stand that panders to Charlie Brown’s holiday depression), green issues (Charlie Brown’s small, dumpy tree was harvested/slaughtered in a blow to responsible environmental preservation), lack of diversity (the characters are white, even Snoopy the dog), sexist stereotypes and gender roles (Lucy insisting she be “Christmas Queen,” Sally with a heart-bubbling crush on Linus), and cruelty to animals (Snoopy sleeping atop an unheated doghouse in winter).

But all of these fade when the worst of the show is considered: Linus’ on-stage soliloquy, reciting an account of Christ’s birth from Luke’s Gospel, King James version. How offensive. Sticking religion into a religious holiday to explain the true meaning of Christmas. We are poisoning the minds of children! Why the next thing you know America will be a theocracy run by fascists who force us to eat Chick-fil-A and not work on Sundays…Good Grief! 

Wink, wink!….Broad Channel, why would anyone want to live anywhere else?

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