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Why The Long Face?

I woke up this morning with a five-finger imprint on my face. I’d slept on my hand, after spending the entire day before not trying to touch my face. Let’s face it, pardon the expression, it’s impossible.

I rub my chin to show others how thoughtful I am. It’s a fake out. I’m not thoughtful but a chin rub is a good stalling tactic. I read and daydream with the palm of my hand covering half my face. By noon, I’m sliding my hand all over my face to check on my 5 o’clock shadow.

I don’t know if it counts, but sometimes I crack my knuckles on my jaw.  

I never knew how much I touched my face until I was told not to by health officials.

Somebody tells me not to do something, I have to do it.  They put me in an MRI machine and say, “don’t move,” well, that means I have to move. They say don’t move and I immediately do a little shimmy. When the dentist says, “relax,” I want to start a fight.

I guess I wouldn’t have done too well in the Garden of Eden. (In the updated version, Adam says, “Did you wash that?” after Eve takes a bite of the apple).

It’s the worst time to be told not to touch your face. What do you do when you’re stressed, get bad news, or you hear you might get the Coronavirus? You put your hand on your forehead. As humans have done for twenty thousand years. Now what are you supposed to do, wash your hands before placing that self-calming hand on your head? And it’s not just washing, it’s washing for twenty seconds.

I mean, I’d like to do the basics to protect against viruses but come on, twenty seconds to wash your hands? How are you supposed to do that when you have to check your phone every seven seconds?  Germs, schmerms, I’ve gotta check Insta and Twitter.

I read we’re not supposed to panic but that was after I washed my hands before flossing the other day. Washing my hands made the floss string slippery, so I couldn’t get any traction and it wound up stuck between two teeth. No one was home, so I knocked on the neighbor’s door to ask them to take it out with a tweezers. But they couldn’t open the door to help because they had stocked up on so much toilet paper.

Officials say a one-week supply of food, water, and essentials is enough. How much toilet paper do people need?  Sheesh, cut down on the roughage.

I may forget to wash my hands. I may scratch my face. But I don’t have to hoard.

I am prepared. There might even be way to make a buck. I have a bidet. Which I’m making a pay toilet.

You run out of toilet paper? Come on over. Just don’t shake my hand or touch my face on the way out.

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