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It usually takes about three minutes to read this column, now it takes an hour.   

We all want to fast-forward time and all that does, is make it stand still.

With too much time on my hands, I started reading the dictionary (yes, the picture next to the word “jerk” was me). In between learning new words, I’d put the dictionary in the refrigerator as a reminder there was something else to do besides masticate.

I said masticate.

Someone asked me if I’m stuck indoors these days and I replied, I go out on my bike and that allows me to swerve away from people and eschew the entreaties of knuckleheads who want to cluster. Boom. Three SAT words in one sentence. Eschew (avoid), entreaties (pleas), and knuckleheads (effin’ morons who don’t get social distancing).

I don’t know why they have words no one uses, but I digress….

Strange, scary times, these are. People don’t know what to do with themselves. I’m getting Friend Requests on Facebook from people who I know don’t like me. And since I have nothing to do, I’m accepting.

By now, a lot of us are wondering what’s worse, coronavirus or cabin fever (especially when others are home with you).

 You don’t get on a scale and you don’t count how many times you open the fridge. You do wonder about all those crazy people buying all that toilet paper and then you count that you still have 24 rolls. And you’re wondering if that’s enough for the next three days. (It is you, knuckleheads). Eschew the urge to hoard.

But who needs new words when pictures are worth a thousand, right?  I’ve been going through boxes of old photos and have all this blackmail material. To blackmail myself. Is it in poor taste to say I might die of embarrassment if they were made public?

Anyway, I’ve always thought myself very classy and figured I’d get the part Cary Grant played in Arsenic and Old Lace. The casting director of my grade school play thought otherwise. He knew what he was doing. (I was going to say he was prescient but that’d be ostentatious).  He knew people would be thinking I was a cop or fireman my whole adult life. Might as well play the part as an eighth grader.

Stay tuned. Prom pictures and short-shorts are coming.

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