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A long, long time ago, in 2020 B.C. (Before Corona), I was in Stop and Shop and in the mood for a snack and said to the store clerk, I guess a little too loudly—I’m looking for a blondie.

About twenty women spun around to look at me. I couldn’t tell one from the other.  Some of them looked a little offended. Sorry, sorry, I stammered. I’m not looking for a date. You all look great but I, I just want a blondie, you know like a brownie but, but, but…

I was embarrassed so I just hustled away, quickly grabbing a box of Mallomars, and headed to the frozen food section where there were more blondes than Klondike bars (of which I grabbed two).

I’m not a suspicious type but I was thinking somebody in the hair coloring business was making a killing. I know the toilet paper aisle is empty. Has anybody checked the Lady Clairol shelves?

Ya know, you get to a certain age and you can’t tell kids apart. Your friends’ kids grow so fast, you can’t keep up with their looks. You’re just happy, you kinda think you know who they belong to. 

It’s kinda like that for me and blonde-haired women between the ages of, uhm, 35 and 65. I say hello to them all because I think I might know them. My hello is usually a little shaky because I’m just not sure. One night, I was in the Harbor Light talking to a few ladies and I thought I was talking to a team. The only one I called by name had brown hair. Or at least it was that night.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

The thing is, I was really starting to get to know some of these women by name but now this lockdown makes me wonder if I’ll know them when they emerge. I’m hearing stories of gray gone wild and brown is the new blonde. 

People have asked if bars will be packed once the crisis passes or will it take some time before people feel comfortable. I’m wondering if there will be lines around the corner at beauty salons. Or will gray stay?

I’m wondering if they’ll keep masks on just to remain anonymous until the dye does its tricks.

Hey, I know women aren’t the only ones who’ve been, uhm, artistic with hair. I used to see guys who went a little hard on the highlights and others who must’ve been color-blind because they actually left the house with a heavy purple tint, that I don’t think was the intention.

Like everyone, I can’t wait for this to be over. But boy, oh boy, things will be different. Still, you know what? You’re all gonna look great, ladies and gents.  It’s gonna be great to see you. But you might have to reintroduce yourself.

By Kevin Boyle 

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