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Silver Lines

I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

None of us know what day it is, unless you get The Rockaway Times by email, then you know it’s Thursday but that doesn’t make a difference anyway. What’s a Thursday? Or any other day of the week. Every day kinda feels like Saturday but when Saturday comes, it doesn’t feel like Saturday.

I put the garbage at the curb every night and then wind up taking it back on five of the nights. At least it gives me something to do.

What can I say? My mind is more muddled than usual. I was trying to put together a column with the hope of giving you a chuckle, but I’ve got nuthin’ — though I can borrow with the best of ‘em and figured I’d share.

I honestly don’t know anyone who ever sniffed glue (or smoked banana peels) but the above line makes me laugh. It’s from the movie, Airplane, which stands up well, forty years later.

To that, someone might say: Surely, you can’t be serious. And the response would be:

I am serious and don’t call me Shirley.

In the same movie, a passenger notices the person next to her who is trembling. It must be his first time flying. She asks calmly, “Nervous?” And he says, “Yes, very.” She smiles and asks, “First time?” And his answer? “No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.”

And yes, I speak jive. I’ve seen a grown man naked. And come on, of course, I like Gladiator movies.

Which for some reason reminded me of a Monty Python line. A knight, after losing both arms in a sword battle, dismisses the severity of it all, “It’s only a flesh wound.”

And for some reason I thought of a line from Step Brothers when John C. Reilly walks in on Will Farrell and asks, “Why are you so sweaty?” “I was watching ‘Cops’.”

Which reminded me of Animal House and that fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life. But that line also reminded me of one I just heard recently, if you keep a can of beer or glass of wine in each hand, you can’t touch your face.

Which was another reminder that good lines aren’t just from old movies. I liked this bittersweet one I saw on Twitter that came from someone on the now-empty streets of Manhattan. “I love jaywalking!” a woman called out, “But there’s just no sport in it anymore.”

Things are bad when the fun of jaywalking is taken from you.  Man, I can’t wait ‘til this is over.  I want to use a line I’ve never used before, “Give me a hug.”

By Kevin Boyle

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