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The Fluff Attacks

I don’t need much. There are few more satisfying things in my life than knowing no one else in the household likes some foods that I like. No one touches my Special K Protein cereal so I can count on it being there when I’m in the mood. Chocolate chip ice cream is another story. It’s like cat burglar food. You’d swear somebody broke into the house in the middle of the night to wolf down the half gallon that was there when you went to bed.

I hide stuff. If it doesn’t have to be refrigerated, I’ll put things like cookies and chips in my sock drawer. Under the socks.

Refrigerator placement strategy is a lost cause but sometimes works in the short term. You might have one beer left and you’ll stick it in the vegetable drawer hoping nobody will be looking for lettuce, or whatever weird thing somebody put in there a few weeks back. I’ve tried to hide milk if the level is dangerously low and my morning coffee will be in jeopardy. I’ve poured milk into a stainless-steel thermos and stuck it on the fridge door shelf next to barbecue sauce and vanilla extract. It works.

I think a genius move would be pouring the milk into a cup and wrapping the cup in tin foil. Things in tin foil hide in plain sight. It could be weeks before someone cracks open something in tin foil. You want to hide a Snickers bar or a hundred-dollar bill for that matter, wrap it in tin foil and put it towards the back of the shelf. No one in my house is going to reach all the way back there for something that seems like it’s been there for a year.

Sometimes others will eat your favorite food even though they don’t really like it or want it. Worse, sometimes they’ll just take a few bites and throw out the rest. I’m shaking my head as I write this. What’s the matter with these people?

 Your stuff is simply more at risk than you think. If they went into your sock drawer, for socks, you better move that nutri-grain bar you had stashed there. They’ll be back for it.

And just because no one else likes your stuff doesn’t necessarily mean it’s safe. My cereal had been left untouched for weeks and all that did, was make me complacent. I had no idea, the son who will remain nameless, put a tub of marshmallow Fluff on the same pantry shelf. The top of said tub was not put on tightly. The Fluff leaked. Exactly like The Blob in the 1958 horror movie. I did not discover this until the fluffy blob had flowed around various boxes and then solidified.

I respectfully submit one of the crime scene photos here. A couple of disclaimers. The fluff didn’t target my stuff only. Surprisingly. That French vanilla stuff isn’t mine. And neither are the Sponge Bob fruits snacks. (I swear).

I gotta say the cleanup wasn’t easy but it was the nicest smelling cleanup job I can remember. I almost put peanut butter on it.

By Kevin Boyle

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