Short One Virtue
I might have Attention Deficit Disorder but I don’t have the patience to get tested. I was filling a coffeemaker with water the other morning and I got bored doing it. I got halfway through filling up the reservoir or whatever they call the water thing on those Keurig machines and just stopped. I was bored to tears. I couldn’t take it.
Of course, yes, yes, I know –that would mean I’d have to fill it up again that much sooner. Didn’t matter, doesn’t matter. As the women of Be Well Be Happy tell me, I’m supposed to stay in the moment. Why should I care about having to refill the thing in the near future? I could be walking back to my kitchen table and get hit by a bus.
Things are no different at the gas station. I put the hose in the tank and after 30 seconds, I start wondering what’s taking this so long. I say to myself, ah ten gallons is enough, let me get the hell out of here. And off I go. It’s not like I have anything better to do, I just gotta go.
Insane as that might sound, it’s better than waiting for the gas pump timer to kick in. A lot of pumps have this control device, maybe to stop gas from splashing out as it nears capacity, so the last 30 cents or two cups of gas take about a day and a half.
I’m guessing you chill people don’t know what I’m talking about. But the people who believe you should live life to the fullest know this is a soul crushing, time sucking experience that makes you seethe. The gas pump is stealing your life. You want to carpe the whole damn diem and the gas pump is playing Chinese water torture. You might even risk eye contact and look around for others who are also simmering as the pump holds you hostage.
You restless types know what I’m talking about, though you’ve probably stopped reading by now. I know, I know. Good column but after the first sentence you’re like, wrap it up already. Which I deserve. If someone is taking too long telling a story, I’m the first one to tell them to land the plane.
Someone told me I don’t have ADD, I’m just impatient. Well, I have whatever makes you stop mid pee. Yea, if I’m at the toilet too long I’ll just stop and come back later. That might be Too Much Information but at least I did it quickly.
If I’m going to a fast food place, I first glance inside because if there’s no line at the counter, I’m going inside instead of the drive through. It’s faster.
I don’t care about the toll. If I’m heading west on the Belt, I’ll take the Marine Parkway Bridge rather than the Cross Bay because it’s 90 seconds faster to home.
You starting to get why I never golf?
On a beautiful summer day, I can sit on the beach. Tied down. With gurney straps. But then I’d have to tell you about my claustrophobia.
I gotta go.
By Kevin Boyle