© All rights reserved. Powered by YOOtheme.

Bummed At 30

Man, these young people. What is wrong with them? Back in ancient times, we had fake draft cards and birth certificates. Kids now are trying to get fake AARP cards. They feel old and are going to retreats to deal with it.        “What can death teach me about life?” and “What are the unexpected pleasures of aging?” Not surprisingly, these deep thoughts are not mine. They are actually sections in a bookshelf at a resort called the Modern Elder Academy. I hate when you can’t tell if you’re having your leg pulled. Pause. What the hell does pulling a leg have to do with faking me out? But I digress. The...

Continue reading

120 Or Bust

There’s no pleasing me. I’m glad we’re getting the extra hour of sunlight with Daylight Savings but losing an hour is kind of a steep price at my age. Though some would tell me I’ve got the wrong outlook. Age is a mindset, they say. Kind of like back pain; it’s all in your head. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna go all jump-off-a-cliff like Lazer did in his column a couple of weeks back. No, quite the opposite. I was listening to a couple of guys on some podcast and they made the case that you should think you’re going to live to 120 years old. Your lifestyle, your investments, your ambition, your...

Continue reading

Couch Surfing Continues

A brother who will remain nameless was thankful I didn’t include Vikings on my list of favorite bingeable series. He couldn’t get past Gabriel Byrne’s hairpiece in Episode 1 and bailed. A very un-Viking thing to do. I just took the hairpiece as another form of armor. Vikings was actually recommended to me by the son who will remain nameless and because I was trying to stay on his good side, I stuck with it. And then got hooked. I’ve finished six seasons and can’t wait for more.  The show is an original from the History Channel, which makes it seem legit but that’s the same channel that has a...

Continue reading

Green Day

You know I can’t resist dropping a proverb on you that was dropped on me: “If wars were fought with words, Ireland would rule the world.” Of course, there are a couple of variations on what’s keeping Ireland from ruling the world but it’s hard to argue that it rules a good chunk of Rockaway this week, including this column. I’m guessing a lot of people who live in New Orleans hate Mardi Gras. They can do without the crowds and the madness. I’m guessing a few feel the same way about Parade Day in Rockaway. But New Orleans without Mardi Gras, Rockaway without St. Paddy’s — they just wouldn’t be...

Continue reading

The Survival Binge

It’s that time of year when you’ve had it, really had it. Rockaway is Siberia without the charm. It’s Rocka-pocalypse Now.  How grim is it?  Last week The Rockaway Times had bad news on the front page. I started thinking about heading south but there were too many potholes and the bridge was backed up. And then in the middle of a protest over a proposed homeless shelter, I got a text from a  friend in Florida asking for Netflix recommendations. I said things must be pretty boring if you’re in warm, sunny Florida and you want to curl up and do some binge-watching. He said he’s a night owl, which...

Continue reading

Out Of Touch As Usual

I dreamed and I was in a Netflix series, and was  being tortured. I was strapped in a chair, blindfolded, my face swollen already from the beatings. I wasn’t being brave. Even in my dreams, I make the Cowardly Lion seem like John Wayne. With a gun at my head, they told me it was my last chance to identify the Kardashians.  Boom, I woke up dead. In a second dream, I stepped out of character. They tried to force me to learn who each Kardashian was and who they date but, heroically, I died, refusing. Hey, I know there’s nothing more boring than listening to another person’s dream. Jeez, I had a...

Continue reading

Bad Bets and Good

I think a couple of dear friends were trying to torture me recently.  Ya see, scratch-off lottery tickets are such a good idea to give to people. But if you are the recipient do not, do not, bother doing any scratching. You will lose and then end up annoyed that you’ve got nothing but lottery ticket dust. You’ll curse your lousy luck and then grumble about how hard the cards are to read or figure out. Wait, match what? What are those symbols? Is that a loaf of bread or a gold brick? I need how many matches? Give me a magnifying glass. Some games require a 12th-grade reading level while making...

Continue reading

Joy of Others

I gotta admit, I’m kinda like that comedian who says he enjoys looking at people to get annoyed. His wife asks, you’re gonna end up annoyed, so why do it? Because I don’t want to deprive myself of the enjoyment, he answers. When I drive into a big parking lot, I park the car away from others, in a spot a million miles from other cars. When I come out of the store, my car is surrounded by other friggin’ cars. And it’s not because other spots were taken. No, these people had to park near another car, near me. They can’t help themselves. You go into a restaurant that’s almost empty and the waitperson...

Continue reading

On The Road

Louie Pastina, who writes The Lazer Speaks column in this paper, is our unofficial travel writer. He offers wonderful detail when taking us to hidden or forgotten New York. He’s able to transport us to other places as well. His rich descriptions of Colorado, Italy, Canada, among other places, make you feel like you saved on air travel but got to those places yourself. Take it easy, Lazer, the compliments end there. I fell asleep during a Lazer recap of a yoga retreat. Maybe that’s a little harsh. I did breathe heavily and was quite relaxed two paragraphs in. I’ve been on the road the past couple...

Continue reading



© All rights reserved. 

Back to Top