If I Only Had the Nerve

Boyleing Points
Typography

I know it’s impossorous, but if I were king of the forest, it would only rain from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m.

If I were king of the forest, I’d allow cruel and unusual punishment for graffiti taggers. I’d thrash them from top to bottomus.

I’d banish bagel people who don’t separate Everything and Onion bagels from other bagels; I’d cane people who use an airplane toilet more than once a flight. Yeah, even on international flights. That’s what kings do.

I’d behead speeding car drivers (usually they come in a set of two) on the Belt Parkway who weave in and out (speeding means doing 80+). I’d feed ticket agents who park at hydrants to coyotes.

If I were king of the forest, I’d fine people if they said they liked Big Bang Theory or Schitt’s Creek. Get it, Schitt’s Creek. Even the title’s funny. No, it’s not.

If I were king of the forest, I would have the nerve to say in public that Madonna’s American Pie is better than Don MacLean’s original. 

If I were king of the forest, I’d have lifeguards stationed from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. rather than 10-6. People are a lot more likely to drown in the early evening than they are in the morning.

If I were king of the forest, no one would be allowed to sneeze more than twice in succession.

If I were king of the forest, pot would be legal, but the stink would be illegal.

If I were king of the forest a Bud Light would never cost more than $5. Ever. From here to eternity.

If I were king of the forest, there’d be no fireworks after 10 p.m. Dogs would like me to be king.

If I were king of the forest, I’d get rid of stupid left turn only lanes.

If I were king of the forest, you’d have to get permission from me before squeezing into a Lycra bike outfit. I would be stingy with such permission.

If I were king of the forest, everyone would have to tell me they like my singing voice.

If I were king of the forest, work crews could only rip up Beach Channel Drive once a year.

If I were king of the forest, music in bars and restaurants wouldn’t make conversation impossible. And to get to those bars and restaurants I would have a jump-on jump-off trolley running from May through September.

If I were king, I’d remind people they don’t have to wear a mask while driving alone in a car.

If I were king of the forest, I’d impose term limits on myself.

But I won’t be king because I don’t have the courage. I'm afraid there's no denyin'. I'm just a dandelion.

Guess what movie I stopped in on the other night.

By Kevin Boyle 

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