Those Dirty Dogs

Boyleing Points
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Counting, schmounting.  It’s so overrated.  Counting calories stops as soon as the weekend gets here. Counting steps lasts until the battery dies. Counting beers? I say stop counting at one and proceed ahead.

And don’t even start counting hot dogs. Did you see the news that eating one hot dog can cut your life short by 36 minutes? Yeah, some party poopers did a study about the murderous effects of wieners. And the nerve–they wait til the end of summer to drop that number on you. Man, I’m down a couple of years since June.

We already know you’re not supposed to think about what’s in a hot dog. Put any thought to its ingredients and then it’s like eating something on a dare.  I dare you to eat some pig snout, lips, heart, kidney, liver, and pink slime. Ok, as long as you add mustard.

There’s a company called Beyond Meat that produces plant-based, vegan meat. It’s kind of confusing to me, because aren’t all hot dogs beyond meat?

And as disgusting as they are, it’s not all that easy just eating one hot dog. If you’re losing 36 minutes off your life, you might as well go for 72. And I’m just talking good hotdogs. Good grilled dogs, like Sabrette, Boar’s Head or Nathan’s. You deserve to lose a few minutes if you like Oscar Mayer. Ew.

I suppose it’s been a good thing that footlong dogs (12 inches of paradise) have always been hard to find. Eating them would be like smoking unfiltered Camels. You can order your hearse while you chew.

As for dirty water dogs? You’re more likely to lose 36 days than 36 minutes. They should have a Surgeon General warning stamped right on the dog. Those bad boys have to clip off more than 36 minutes of your life.

 I’m surprised guys selling dogs out of a cart or truck aren’t considered drug dealers. They’re selling stuff that kills you. And think of the children! It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s the kids. (I always love using that line). There was a guy named Utica Joe who used to sell doubles – two dogs on one big bun. He was a god back in the day. Now he seems like Pablo Escobar.

The life-shortening effect, the express lane to Heaven, hot dogs offer you, makes me ponder the Hebrew National slogan, We Answer to a Higher Authority.

And keeping with the burial theme…buried in the story about the life-shortening franks – come on, you only read the headlines – is the good news that other foods can add minutes to your life so you can get back those 36 minutes.

You can join camp legume and eat nuts and fruits and all that boring stuff to get back what you lost. And then some. The same study said you can get 48 minutes on the plus side.

But let’s think this through. A hot dog is a social food. You eat it around others.

If you start eating all that good stuff with it, it could backfire. Literally. The good stuff gives you gas and pretty soon nobody’s inviting you to the next barbecue.

If nothing else, the study makes me think about what I’m putting in my mouth. I’m gonna have a smoke and a glass of scotch and think about it. And have a cup of legumes nearby. Whatever they are.

 By Kevin Boyle

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