Dear Enchantress,
I’m 47, divorced, allegedly healed, and currently dating a man who refers to himself as an “alpha male” but cannot make a dinner reservation without consulting his mother.
He says he wants a feminine woman who knows how to surrender, but apparently surrender means I plan the date, drive to his neighborhood, split the bill, and then tell him what a wonderful provider he is.
Meanwhile, my massager has never disappointed me, my cat respects my boundaries, and my married friends keep telling me I’m being too picky.
Here’s where things get slightly concerning. I’ve started fantasizing about marrying myself, registering at Williams Sonoma, and throwing a wedding where every guest brings me a gift and no one gets to touch me afterward.
Enchantress, am I becoming an empowered woman, or have I simply lost my f***ng mind?
Yours in romantic exhaustion
Dear Single, Sacred & One Bad Date Away from a Monastery,
First of all, darling, do not enter the monastery just yet.
You are not losing your mind. You are losing your tolerance for nonsense. And frankly, congratulations on the graduation.
Somewhere along the way, women were sold a particularly exhausting fairy tale: Be independent but not intimidating. Be feminine but carry the emotional labor. Be sexually liberated but remain conveniently available. And for heaven’s sake, never make a man feel uncomfortable by expecting him to behave like an adult.
Drop all that, this is all you telling yourself this is not acceptable. And I love you baring all the details!
Your gentleman friend wants you to surrender? Wonderful! Surrender the responsibility of organizing his life. Surrender the belief that you must audition for affection. Surrender the unpaid position of executive assistant to a man who thinks masculinity is a podcast subscription.
But let’s address something important. There is a difference between being empowered and being armored.
Empowerment says, “I know what I deserve, and I am available for relationships that honor it.”
Armor says, “Everyone is an idiot, and I shall henceforth communicate exclusively with my cat.”
One creates possibilities. The other creates a very well-decorated fortress, like Rapunzel.
You do not need to abandon your standards to experience intimacy. You need to distinguish between standards that protect your dignity and expectations that protect you from vulnerability.
Wanting a man who makes plans? That is a very reasonable desire and ask. Wanting mutual generosity, you can have a mensch, and they will do this with pleasure and ease.
Wanting someone whose mother does not serve as his romantic chief operating officer? Entirely understandable, (and if you can’t tell, this annoys me personally.)
Now, about marrying yourself. I actually love the concept. Not because you should give up on partnership, but because committing to yourself changes the entire dating equation.
Imagine taking yourself on beautiful dates, honoring your desires, protecting your peace, and refusing to negotiate away your joy simply because someone has a pulse and a promising profile picture.
Then, when someone wonderful arrives, you are not asking, “Will you choose me?” You are asking, “Does sharing my extraordinary life with you make it even richer?”
So keep the cat and buy yourself the expensive sheets. And if a man wants to call himself an alpha, let him demonstrate his leadership by successfully selecting a restaurant. You are not too picky. You are simply no longer accepting crumbs while bringing the entire bakery.
I am so grateful you have brought this question here!
If you would like to ask The Enchatnress a question, email love@enchantedembodiment.com
