In the following, local mom, Kate Brown, shares how words can hurt, especially when used to belittle our special needs children. And it cuts even deeper when those hurtful words come from an adult.
When Adults Teach Children
to See Difference
By Kate Brown
As the mother of a seven-year-old autistic girl, I have spent years celebrating milestones that many families hardly notice.
Every new word. Every new friendship. Every moment of independence.
This year alone, I have watched my daughter blossom through school, ABA therapy, and an adaptive swim program. In just a few weeks, with only two 30-minute swimming lessons each week, she learned to stay afloat, jump into 10 feet of water, and trust herself in a pool. To many families, those may seem like ordinary childhood achievements. To ours, they represent years of perseverance, patience and relentless hope.
Like every parent, I dream of something simple. I want my daughter to play. Not to be analyzed. Not to be pitied.
Just to play.
Recently, I watched her doing exactly that. She found younger children in a community pool, and within minutes they were laughing, taking turns jumping into the water, and creating the kind of friendship children build effortlessly. They weren’t comparing diagnoses. They weren’t judging speech. They simply saw another child who wanted to have fun.
Then an adult intervened.
My daughter was described as “a baby,” and the other children were encouraged to treat her accordingly. Those words lasted only seconds. Their effect may last much longer.
My daughter is not a baby. She is seven years old. She is older than those children. She is taller than those children. She simply experiences the world differently because she is autistic.
Children don’t automatically know who is different. They learn it from us.
That moment reminded me of something from my own childhood.
When I was a little girl, I had a younger cousin who didn’t always listen to me while we played. An adult casually reminded him that I was older. Until then, he had only noticed that I was taller. Once someone he trusted defined me as “older,” his attitude toward me changed almost instantly.
Children naturally look to adults to help them understand the world around them. Our words become part of their reality. That is why we should choose them carefully.
We have learned that labels matter. We understand that reducing people to stereotypes can shape how others see them. Yet we often fail to recognize that labels affecting children can be just as powerful.
Calling an autistic child, “a baby,” “special,” or any other label may sound harmless to adults. To another child, it becomes an instruction.
Instead of seeing a potential friend, they begin seeing someone who is fragile, incapable, or fundamentally different. The friendship changes before it has had the chance to grow naturally.
My daughter did not need anyone to explain who she is to those children. They had already accepted her. They were laughing together. They were taking turns. They were simply being children.
Sometimes, the barriers our autistic children face are not created by other children at all. They are created by assumptions made by adults who believe they are helping.
Autism parents spend years teaching our children how to enter the world. We celebrate eye contact, conversation, confidence, independence and courage. We cheer for every small victory because we know how hard each one has been earned. What we cannot overcome alone are the labels that others place upon them.
Before describing a child, before assuming what they can or cannot do, before speaking for them, pause for a moment. If a parent is standing right there, ask. If support is needed, let the parent guide the conversation. Most importantly, allow children the opportunity to discover one another before adults define who they should be.
The world will eventually teach our children that people are different. Let’s not be the ones who teach them that different means less. My daughter doesn’t need strangers to make other children protect her. She needs the same thing every child deserves: the chance to be known before she is labeled.
Share your sentiments by emailing: kami@rockawaybeachautismfamilies.org
Next Wednesday, August 19, join Rockaway Beach Autism Families at our 7th Annual Dance Under The Stars For Autism/ Back-To-School event at the Beach 97th Street Concession. For more info, visit: Rockaway Beach Autism Families on Facebook/Instagram.
