Co-parenting can be a challenging journey for any set of parents, but when raising a child with autism, it comes with unique complexities that require a tailored approach. Meaning: no size fits all. There’s no standardized approach as people and situations have unique needs and nuances. For example, my daughter’s dad and I are a bit willy-nilly. I look at other parents who have rigid schedules and routines for their children, and often complain to him that we should be more structured for our daughter’s sake. His stance is there’s a method in our madness. That said, even though we disagree on almost everything, I’ve come to value him more and more as a wonderful dad, even to the point that I let him take the lead on many decisions when it comes to our daughter’s care.
When I first learned I was pregnant, admittedly I was bewildered, asking myself, “Am I really ready?” Bewilderment evolved into excitement, with me naively thinking that my daughter’s dad and I were going to be the highly esteemed Huxtables of Rockaway, raising our band of children in a highfalutin’ middle-class household. Well, truth to be told, though separated, today we affably co-parent our beautiful, nonverbal 17-year-old daughter on the autism spectrum. Note that our parenting styles are completely opposite. I want to keep her at home swaddled in bubble wrap. Whilst, he has her participating in activities I deem hazardous. Namely: snowboarding, ice skating, roller blading and skateboarding.
Years ago, when school was on winter recess, he took her snowboarding in Montreal. When I first learned of the trip, I was outraged. Thinking, “What! You’re taking her out of the country without me there to supervise? Who’s going to comb her hair, make sure she doesn’t hurt herself on the slopes?”
Her dad, who has the demeanor of a saint, just painfully gave me a look of frustration, but didn’t lose his cool. As I packed her suitcase, I was exploding. Important to note: If a parent is taking a minor out of the country or even on a domestic trip, they must carry a notarized child travel consent form signed by the non-traveling parent or legal guardian. This documentation is frequently required to pass through immigration or border control.
After they left, I felt a bit remorseful about my behavior. If it were left up to me, my daughter would never have discovered her athleticism. Folks, today—she’s a boss on any board! Admittedly, I’m a bit envious, wishing I was more like him, adventurous and less overprotective of her.
Whether you are still married, divorced, separated or just couples who went their separate ways, co-parenting any child, autistic or not, is difficult. Oftentimes, it seems like one parent takes on the fun role, while the other is resigned to be the strict, unrelenting disciplinarian and grand master of logistics.
While on the trip, he sent me a photo of our daughter, decked out in her ski suit on a snowboard, posing like an Olympian with the words, “Looks like she’s a happy camper.”
Fathers in today’s society are amazing. Sometimes, I’m astounded by those I see strolling their children in their prams or biking with them on the boardwalk, even reading books with them in the library. I even know of a single dad raising his autistic daughter on his own.
So supermoms, though we want to laud the title of being the uber parent, sometimes we need to step aside, and let our super dads shine!
I’m going to end with this quote by American psychiatrist and author, Theodore Isaac Rubin, “I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”
Parents—all we can do is trust, and let go and let God.
I talk about autism to open doors into the reality of our lives as caregivers, and to build understanding, growth and opportunities for our special needs children. Share your thoughts by emailing: kami@rockawaybeachautismfamilies.org. On Thursday, June 18, join Rockaway Beach Autism Families at our monthly family support group meeting. For more info, including about our upcoming summer events, visit: Rockaway Beach Autism Families on Facebook/Instagram.
